a letter for a best friend.

28.4.16
hello.

i wrote this on a cold night. a very cold night that i need to put on my onesie. a night that was so cold i feel like crying. and every time i feel so, my mind just mischievously pictures you.  

how am i supposed to continue life without you? how should i? how could i?

all the joys we shared together-- will it be empty, hollow and meaningless? all the pain we divulged in our late night conversation-- will we ever find any other person to channel them? and our jokes, the lame ones especially-- will anyone else laugh at them as wholeheartedly as we do to each other?

what is the future of this friendship?

i will forever want to marry you. because it’s you. god sent me you for no other reason than to accompany me. to make me feel valued. to handle my annoying attitude because no other person could. but would you? would you want to marry me?

i know you well, my friend. too well. i would never, in a thousand years, achieve your love. i would always be underrated. i would never be included in your list for my ugliness, my mischief and my… everything. i will never deserve you.

i just couldn’t imagine you with another person living by your side. she would be very lucky to have you. and i would be very… sad? happy? both at the same time? sad, that i just lost my partner in crime. happy, that you are happy.

i would be very glad to end this friendship sooner. it would be better now than later. now that i don’t have to unwillingly leave you because of another person. now that you are all okay there, living fullest with your family and comrades. now that i will be least sad than later. less sad than this night, this very cold night that i secretly long for your words to linger around and keep me warm.